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Hello Beautiful Souls,

Ahhh, saying that I am excited to hop on here to type out this email today would be an understatement. (Being how Mercury is in retrograde until the 18th, and my laptop has decided to crash on me.)

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Mostly because I actually feel called to create today after sitting still day, after day, after day waiting for the Go from my guides to actually put things out into the world. (Which I also discovered that Mars is direct now and that is why my energy has shifted this week. Highly recommend Haley's youtube for those who aren't as in tune with the stars.)

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With that being said, if you are looking for something extremely motivational or educational I suggest you stop reading right here.

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After putting a pause on the pretty picture life that I had envisioned I'd create when I got here to New York, and watching it slowly crumble into pieces and burn down one by one, I am now here reflecting on some of the outcomes I least expected.

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I suppose I can start off with the things that drastically changed the most, which were my desires. Sure, I made a dedication to really work on my Love Life when I got here to New York. Little did I know the relationship I was manifesting had nothing to do with anyone other than myself.

(I was sure when I got here I'd be on a journey to find my prince charming! Just like all the movies, and the books. Here is my most recent read by the way, if you too live for these romantic stories I highly recommend this)

The only way I can describe working on this relationship is a long realization of seeing how all the things that I thought I wanted and then slowly seeing that they are not my desires at all.

6 months ago if you were to ask me what I want, I'd give you a list of all external things

I want a beautiful Loft Apartment,

I want to go Fancy Dinner Parties,

I want to make $100k a month,

I want to go on vacations every month,

I want...

I want....

I want to.. not want anything any more.

If I could really have anything, I would ask to just be okay with where I am today, right here, right now.

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When I made that ask I wasn't aware of what I was fully giving up!

Deleting all the dating apps.

My body not being able to handle my favorite sweets and sugar.

Losing my desire to drink alcohol

and being triggered by people and places that used to bring me joy.

(I think I healed too much, cause I don't like nobody hehehe)

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One of the hardest part of relationships are the BREAKUPS

Whether you are the one who doing the breaking or you getting broken up with, each end fucking sucks.

In these breakups you have two options,

1. Pretend it doesn't hurt= Post all the pictures with all of your besties going out to the best bars, extravagant vacations and new boo thing (who might be your bestie dressed up as a guy to take a pic for your instagram. Just to show how better off you are without them...)
2. Or, you can Embrace the Suck; I don't know about y'all but I'm definitely in the phase in my life where I couldn't choose option one even if I wanted to. You can feel sad, you can feel hurt, be extremely angry without any judgemnet, and hopefully (notice how I said hopefully) transmute that energy into loving yourself 10x more.

Everything that you ”wish that person would of said or done“ in your relationship and giving it to yourself.

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(Seen this post on Instagram from @GabbyBernstein after I wrote this, so I came back and added it)

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Now again, you may be reading this thinking Who the heck broke your heart?! hehe Believe me I've been asking myself that same question, but the truth is I'm breaking up with me!

Breaking up with a version of myself and stepping into a new role, not the Inner Child but The Mother.

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What if the Rabbit and the Turtle were one in the same?

I'm starting to realize that the race between the Turtle and the Rabbit was never about two different people.

This whole time, I created the narrative that one was right and one was wrong. Now I realize, they were just at two different points in their life.

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Looking back on all the things that I've created, in such a short amount of time, I feel an overwhelming wave of guilt and shame for teaching people how to get the shiny things in life.

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For giving people permission to just release the things that aren't serving them, showing them how to get to the next big thing, oppose to helping them find peace of where they are right now.

How could I have missed this?

Again the Ego loves to exaggerate how right or wrong we are, oppose to just seeing things for what they are. Of course, I know my teaching are so much more than surface level things.

The point is, this is the first time in my life where I'm not trying to shift my thoughts to something more positive. I'm just observing. Detaching. Validating. (Writing helps a lot!)

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There was a time in my life where I just needed to prove to myself I could do it...

That I could bet on myself and I would be okay. (Like the Rabbit!)

To quit the job, go on the vacation, move to the new city, make a lot of money; I wouldn't take anything back!

Now that I have that belief, I got nothing to prove.

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Again, there is nothing wrong with the way I've previously been living, things are just different now.

I'm at peace with disappointing people, saying no, not texting back and putting my instant gratifications on hold.

Releasing all of my desires, all of my fears, and my need to control every outcome to a higher power.

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Surrendering feels like shit...

Especially for us Virgos hehe. It's so unpredictable, I am so used to knowing what my next season is going to look like.

The first few days it feels kinda nice, almost like a day off or mini vacation. Until it doesn't.

My skin starts to crawl, I start itching for something to do, or create. It's uncomfortable.

I want all of the things that I've suddenly cut off all at once to help me avoid feeling this discomfort, but I can't bring myself to do it so I just sit here and feel.

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Again this Email isn't to persuade you to drop everything you're doing

It's just a girl, on the other side of a computer screen sharing her experience with surrendering.

So I suggest you take whatever resonates and leave whatever doesn't.

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(The cool thing about living in alignment is the confirmation you get from resources outside of yourself. God Speaks to us through other people. Song: BET- RUSS' God be saying Russ I got it, you don't gotta fight no more)

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So with that being said I will leave you with a few words that I have been sharing with myself.

My Goal this year is to have No Goals

I'm not being punished

I'm just being aware

My feelings are so fucking valid,

and if I want to indulge on all the things I've been depriving myself I will, but that's for me know and the world to find out.

I will be happy if this resonate with someone (if it does I reccomend writing it down and keeping it for yourself), but also I’m okay if it doesn't.

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The Shift Starts Here,

Manifesting Money Podcast

Last Episode of the season: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/manifesting-money-podcast/id1538604625?i=1000591675933​

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You don't want to miss this Live Event Tonight (1/11)

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